This is a bad day.
I feel so trapped by badness…all tangled and i cant get out. Im so tired but my mind wont stop. Its like ive thiught of something bad and immediately a brick wall erected around that thought so i cant make the thought go away. even when i try think of something else i can only manage to think about the new thing for about a minute before the bad thoughts take over.
I am thinking about my dad. Remembering him touching me Inappropriately. He was drunk. He touched me. He was gonna go furher but I cried a little and asked him what he was doing and he stopped. My little brother was in my bed with me at the time. My dad wanted to abuse me? I can’t stop wondering if he has but I just don’t remember? Surely I would remember something like that. Did he really want to seduce and abuse me? His only daughter. The worst thing is that it isn’t even him touching me up and getting his kick out of it that bothers me. its the fact that he hated med for telling t, the fact that he never admitted it when I ra away, the fact that he hurt me and I was the one that was hated. The fact that he never even said sorry to me. That hurts bad. He thinks i can be normal with him. No way. I despise that man. Yet I can stop thinking about him and his horrible ways.
I have been dissociatin quite a lot in the past few days. Strangely. Maybe its because of bee. She doesn’t wanna let me be coconscious with her. For some reason. From what i can piece together from jessie and gma she’s me when I was 12/13. Dissociating a lot makes me tired anyway. So as expected I slept crap last night. Which isn’t good cause we had to go to a christening his morning. Bleurgh. Church was right near where I used to see t when I was a teen though. That made me feel safer. Ts is a safe place isn’t it. I’m gonna go. I can’t focus.