bad day.

After a good day yesterday, today I am having a really bad day. I have been reclused all day sat in the corner with my earphones in ignoring the world. I wanna be shut away. Overload of thoughts today. Jessie is unhappy right now and I don’t know what else to do than comfort us in a corner. I think yesterdays goodness has just got on top and then came crashing down on us. Can’t stop thinking of why I don’t deserve all of the effort and time t is taking for me! And she doesn’t gain anything from it. I trust her I do. I’m just scared that she’s been so kind. I no its cause she cares but my past tells me to tread carefully. Is it because its all new again. God its crazy. I try and think about how she looks but I can’t picture her in my mind. Why is bad stuff like video playback but good stuff a blur. How is that fair. If I were with her now she would tell me its ok. So it should be ok when I’m not cause her saying it now would make it if that makes sense. God come on, I gotta tell myself to man up! Bad thoughts be gone. Jessie is so sad today. He has written an email to t. We are doing a draft a week to send her. Not gonna overfill it. Jessie started by asking some really rough questions. Its nuts t says my alters are all me in a sense so I’m asking those questions all those fears are mine? Hows that work. Ye the bad people scare me but not terrify me. I don’t wonder silly things about them. I don’t let myself. So I do it through jessie? I don’t. I can’t have DID, thats stupid. Jessies all in my head. I bet he doesn’t come out. But he does. I’m confused. T I don’t want to integrate. I don’t want more badness. I don’t hurt no one when I switch. Don’t make me integrate. Let me not no too much. Please. Today I can’t cope with what I do know. How will I cope with more. I read jessies email. I have fragments now of what he said in my head, memories, vague ones. They make me hurt. Poor jessie. I’m sorry you had to feel that jessie. I’m not havin that badness it wasnt me, they are jessies memories. Stop it. Why are men cruel. So many have hurt me. Why did they pick me? Tell me thay, why me? Was I special, did they know I’d keep my mouth shut? Is it cause they knew I was from a dysfunctional family, divorced parents, a beaten mother, so that made it ok??? They knew I was vulnerable and easy. They loved it though didn’t they. They broke me, used me, photographed me then threw me away without a thought and no hint of sorry. No I was sorry. I’m still sorry. They live on content at fulfilling their sick fantasies, I live on ashamed to beba female, wih body parts I hate, ashamed that I will not have been the only one. I am sorry to all the other girls who like me suffered silently. Who cried silent tears as those evil men violated them. I’m sorry I didn’t make it stop. I hope you were stronger than me. But I’m sorry. Aaaaaaaaaaargh

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