happy

Lil jessie blog today you are gonna have an upload of fullness. 🙂

Today is a good day. A brilliant day in fact. We habe been to see t!! I’m so happy we did too. She is just as nice as before. We were scared she would be different. She isn’t really any different though. Wow I can’t believe it, I actually went and can’t wait for next time! 🙂 15th feb it is, seems ages away, se said we coule maybe meet every three weeks, that sounds like a plan. 4 weeks just seems like a really long time! I have an impatient child inside too remember! He is already trying to count how many days away it is. He wants to draw pictured wth her. He wants to play with her hedgehog too. I wish she knew how thankful I was that she is seeing me. She said she was surprised herself she decided to see me. I’m glad she decided to. I was so worried she wouldn’t now I’m gonna do my best to use our time wisely. By that I mean the time I have with t. 

Today we looked through pictures I drew before, and other stuff. Some I couldn’t read, it just wouldn’t go in. We are gonna have another look next time though. I wanna talk next time though, fill her in on whats been happening in my life. I don’t know what she will think of some of it though, swinging? work? some drugs? Oh dear. I don’t want her opinion of me to change. I think some things I’ve done she’d struggle to believe. I wanna talk about my problems, why I can’t have a child, why I’ve had the issues I’ve had. I may not be in the right place mentally to have a child, but I want a child I’m ready to be a mummy but it isn’t happening. Is it cause of the things that happened when i was just a child myself. Maybe I should tell her how I feel about that. I kinda wanna keep our sessions happy and laid back but I really want her support and opinion of these things too. 1 hour really isn’t long enough to fill her in. She says she’s surprised I’m still with paul. Maybe I should have told her that he has gone crazy and thats probably the reason I’ve gone screwed up. It was our first meet though. Ill tell her when she asks. She knows I like to be asked questions. She even remembered my thing about doors!!! Bright woman she is. I’d like to speak with her about my mum. Why she couldnt support me, my mum I mean. Why it still remains, her not supporting me. She can’t explain that though. I imagine she’s a good mum, her kids only gripe being that she works and knows too much badness!!

I sent her an email tonight. Thanking her and stuff. I kinda now wish I hadnt. :/ its the weekend. Never mind though. We can do 4 emails a month thats not bad I guess. I know if she could see that it was absolutely necessary to go over 1/2 she wouldm’t mind too much, if it really was absolutely necessary, but I want to keep her boundaries in place for her and myself! I don’t want to have to rely on someone else. I have to rely on myself. I can do this!!! We can all do this together. I dont think t will email back tonight. Thats ok. I hope she was as happy to see me well and content as I could be, just as much as I was to see her. Its really strange but she makes me feel safe! Like my past doesn’t really matter too much. I feel comfortable in her company. Some therapists can be so intimidating!! Not the t I see though. Not an intimidating bone in her body. Jessie thinks she is absolutely awesome! He thinks so much of her. He wants her to look after him. He knows that can’t happen but kids are allowed fantasy arent they. Even now our mums still rubbish. I think he sees t as how supportive parents/friends are suposed to be! I have explained though that she is just a support network, nothing more. Granted she means a lot to me and I’d like to think that when my life changes and I have a kid or something I will be able to email her keeping her updated and stuff every now and again. I have to tell him though that she is just a support network and he can’t get attached cause she may one day go away again. Not cause she doesn’t like him or something. Just cause thats the way it is. He kinda gets it. Anyway I’m going cause I wanna chill and get warm. Its damn freezing. Bye

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