When will things stop fucking up? I think our car is gonna break on us :/ today it decided it wouldn’t start. We have itbrunning now but my significant other seems to think its something to do with the starter motor. Could do without that fucking up. Would sure ruin christmas!!! We need the car to pick my sister and the kids up! My fingers are crossed very tightly.

Anyway we visited my friends this evening. They have baby Oscar, he is adorable. The mucky scruffy bastards though ought to think about cleaning their house every once in a while. Mucky aint the word for it. Dirty nappies everywhere, yesterdays dishes all over the living room floor, weeks worth of dirty laundry in the corner of the living room. It is disgusting. There is no reason for it, and the dirty bastards are expecting another baby. I certainly wouldn’t want a newborn of mine in that house!!! Then heres me, nice home, man i love to bits, with a heart full of love, but no family. How is that fair???

The girl in question was meant to be having a termination. She changed her mind and is now keepong the baby she didn’t want! They are easy to have for girls like her though. She doesn’t have to try to have a baby it just happens! Admittedly i wouldn’t be a perfect parent. I don’t think id be a bad one though. Anyway i should be menstruating now, but i’m not so who knows?? Probs not. Just my fucked up body can’t have a normal cycle.

Enough about that… last night i slept crap! The walls came round the bad stuff in my mind and i couldn’t think about anything but badness. So i slaped myself hard round the face to snap myself out of it. Not that it worked. Gave me an extra ouch though. Except it was a real ouch and not just a memory. I am getting really geared up now to have therapy. I need it. I know i need it. Unfortunately i think i’d screw up super bad without it. Unfortunately. I still haven’t heard from t though, but she has a life too. I must accept that. I have to just wait and let her think i am ok! That we are all ok. Maybe i am ok?? Sitting in a bath 2/3 hours a day can’t be good though. My skins so dry, but i feel safe and comfortable here. Like nothing can hurt me! Sore skin is worth it. I am also making a point of guving Jessie and the others some time each day to draw / write only Jessie has so far but they will when they are comfy. We have created Jessie a safe book, just for him. He remembers alot. I am gonna ask t if we can take it when we see her. So she can see what he’s been thinking. I hope it will be ok. It should be i guess. A

Right time to go. I have washing to finish! Isn’t it a joy having your own home!!! Ha


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