What a day. It was decided that today xmas had to begin. Where has this year gone? I seem to have done so much. Yet still find myself as we get into the festive season, just wanting to hide away! Oh how i’d love to be left alone. I can’t do lonely but yeh, i long to be left alone. This season brings so much tonlight for me. Shows me how much of a broken family i have. My mums husband is doing his best to ruin xmas for me and my siblings. It isn’t happening though. We have it all planned. Call it a moment of madness but everyones crashing at mine. Crazy idea. My niece and nephew are going to be good company for jessie christmas morning before we have to be serious and make lunch. I really think i’m clutching at straws though to keep contact and love between my blood family and me. I sometimes ask mtself why i pine for my mother so badly when she let me down over and over without even a second thought. She picked her own selfish comfort over my sanity. Bit screwed up but i love her and wish she would make effort. I know she wont though. Why should she? After all i’m only her daughter! She has another one of those to think about. Not forgetting all the time she must dedicate to her husband!
I got on the phone with her the other day. Told her he’s changed her. That i miss her and that i want her to be a good mum. I don’t think she realises just how much i was trying to reach out to her. They were screamin for her inside. Screaming for her to say sorry. They want her love so bad… well most do! Shivon doesn’t and i don’t know of she could forgive her. The memories are raw! If my moher does turn up xmas i hope i can keep control as i fear that otherwise things will be said by me and my others that i myself will regret! I can’t upset my mother like she so willingly does me. I just cannot do it. I’ve tried the no contact but it hurts that she doesn’t text or call. She uses my sister as a go between to tell me things. I don’t even know why! We haven’t fallen out to my knowledge. In my eyes and supported by Shivon, she just quite simply wants to cut us out of her life because right now we don’t fit into her nice little new family unit. Unfortunately though she has me by the strings which are my emotions and she’s calling all the shots, and to think she doesn’t even know it!
So, what’s a girl to do. Keep switching rather than cry or just face facts? Today is just one of those days i guess. I could rant and rave for hours. It doesn’t gain me anything though does it. I’m wasting my time with a lot of things lately aren’t i.
Never mind. Tomorrow is another day.